


Something Like Gravity

by dreamshadow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Post Season 4, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Violence, the gang in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 07:37:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21295880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamshadow/pseuds/dreamshadow
Summary: Four times Emma Rhodes tried to let go.  And the fifth.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Original Female Character(s), John Murphy (The 100)/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 18





	Something Like Gravity

**the first time.  
** _[three days after Praimfaya]_

Everything was quiet as Emma Rhodes wandered aimlessly through the dark hallways. The sounds of the ship faded into the background and her feet scuffled against the concrete floor. The light from the stars and the moon was visible through the large windows but she didn’t even look as she walked passed. She didn’t want to see the planet that had burned to the ground in a second apocalypse; she didn’t want to turn and see how she could have ended up if things were different.

But things _were_ different, and Emma somehow made it with her friends in space.She still hadn’t decided if she was grateful or not.

Emma kept wandering, relieved to have some time to herself.As far as she knew, everyone else was asleep in their rooms.She would love to be with them, but sometimes it was easier to be awake with her demons than it was to sleep with them.

The voice in her head that whispered that this couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be her new reality.

As she rounded the corner to the control room, Emma thought she heard shuffling from inside.She frowned, thinking it was Raven or Monty, working on getting the communication system up and running.She hesitated for a moment before moving closer, peering inside.

Her heart broke at what she saw.

There he was, leaning against the main desk, his hair covering his face. He hit combinations of buttons Emma was sure wasn’t doing anything. She bit her lip before walking into the room.

“Bellamy?”

His head jerked up and he blinked.“Emma,” he said after a moment.“What’re you doing up?”

“I could ask you the same, but I think I already know the answer,” she replied. She stopped a few feet away from him, close enough to see the buttons but not yet within reach. “No luck?” 

“Something’s jamming the signal.That has to be why she hasn’t responded, right?”

“We’ve only been here a few days,” she reminded him softly. “You should give Raven and Monty some time to figure out if they can fix it.”

“Monty’s too focused on the algae farm. And Raven--”

“--Would like a project,” Emma pointed out. “You know that’s the best way to distract her.”

Bellamy finally turned, his eyes hazy before he focused in on her. “And what will distract you?”

She tensed. “That’s not why I’m--”

“Emma,” he cut in, his voice firm but soft. “No one thinks less of you. Or Harper.”

She rubbed the back of her neck, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “I didn’t come here to talk about that.”

“Then what did you come here to talk about?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said.“I heard a noise in here and I thought it might be Raven.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“Oh, come on,” she teased. “Aren’t _I_ the one that’s supposed to be dramatic?”

Bellamy shot her an exasperated look, but the corners of his lips twitched. “You get that from me.”

“Right, how could I forget?” she asked, her voice still light. “A decade of friendship and betrayal and _you¡¦re_ the one who rubbed off on _me_.”

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t be an ass,” he chided, but she could hear the lightness leaking out of his voice.

“You must forget who you’re talking to.”

“How could I, when you remind me every two seconds?”

Emma shoved him lightly but he didn’t move. A noise sounding almost like laughter bubbled from his lips and she smiled at him.

They were quiet for a few minutes. Bellamy glanced at the control desk again before looking back at Emma.She wanted to say something comforting, something to reassure him not all hope was lost.But words had never been her strong suit; that was Bellamy. Emma was better at acting on her impulses, which typically made them a really good team.

Now, though, Bellamy seemed at a loss for words; and Emma didn’t know what she could do to comfort him that wouldn’t lead them down a path she swore she’d never go down again.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Bellamy finally said, looking over at her.“But I’m glad you didn’t.Go through with it, I mean.”

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.“You’re the one who changed my mind.”

He nodded. “I know. But I don’t--I don’t know what I would’ve done if you--if I--” His voice broke off and he looked away.

Emma reached up and hugged him tightly.“You didn’t,” she whispered.“I’m right here.”

“Thank god,” he said, pressing his face into her shoulder.

Emma wrapped her arms around him tighter. Her fingers instinctively found their way into the ends of his curly hair as he hugged her waist tighter.She thought she could feel her shoulder getting a little wet but instead of pulling away, she didn’t move.

Eventually, Emma stepped back first. Her face softened when she saw the broken expression in his eyes and she reached up, cupping his cheek in her hand.

“I’m okay,” she assured him, even though she knew he hadn’t been crying over her.

“Are you?” he asked, his voice ragged.

“I’m a badass, remember?” she asked lightly.

“Emma, I’m serious.”

She shifted her feet.“I will be,” she replied, her voice more confident than she felt. Lying wouldn’t do him any good and right now, one of them needed to be strong.

“Good,” he said before gently kissing her forehead.

His lips lingered there for a moment and Emma was suddenly aware of how close they were standing. Of how his body felt pressed against hers, so solid and reassuring. But her mind kept flashing back to those months after Mount Weather, after Bellamy Blake saved her life the first time. She wanted to melt into him, to fold in his arms; especially when she saw his dark brown eyes drifting down toward her lips…

But she couldn’t.

“Bell--”

“Emma,” he murmured, his voice more tender than before. His hand cupped her cheek, but she pulled away, even as her heart broke while she did.

“We can’t.”

“I know.” His fingers twisted into her ponytail and before she could stop herself, her eyes wandered down to his lips.

“I’m sorry,” Emma heard herself say, her voice breaking as she pulled away completely. “I can’t.”

Bellamy’s hand lingered in the air for a moment before he dropped it back to his side. “I know.”

“You should get some sleep, Bellamy.”

Without waiting for a response, Emma slipped out of the control room.Her heart raced faster than it did before but she tried not to think about it.She slipped her hands into the pockets of her sweatshirt and started heading back to her room.

As she rounded the corner, she bumped roughly into someone.

“Jesus,” she hissed, putting her hand over her heart.

“Just a lowly disciple,” Murphy replied in his usual bored tone.Before she had the chance to retort, his eyes swept over her once.“Do you ever sleep, Rhodes?”

“Spite doesn’t need sleep, Murphy,” she retorted. Emma was surprised he was alone, but she wasn’t particularly interested in finding out where his shadow was.

“You’re hilarious,” he drawled.

“It’s a gift.”

“You know,” Murphy started, his eyes shifting back to where the control room was, “maybe Bellamy could help you sleep.”

“No thanks,” she replied, starting to move past him.

“Why not?” he asked, blocking her path.“Now’s your chance. Clarke’s finally out of the picture, all those years spent pining after him might actually pay off.”

Emma looked him over once. “You know, Murphy,” she said, her voice cooler than she felt, “I think I like you better with your shadow.”

His lips twitched into a half-smile. “I’ll be sure to pass along the message. I’m sure Emori is dying to know she finally has your coveted stamp of approval.”

“Can you ever say something that’s not sarcastic?”

“Can you?”

Emma rolled her eyes.“It must be exhausting being you.”

“Not nearly as exhausting as it is being you,” he said.“Sorta makes me feel bad for Bellamy. Ten years of being forced to put up with you, no wonder he’s--” 

Before he could finish his sentence, Emma slammed him into the nearest wall. She pushed her arm across his chest and had to stand on her toes to meet his eye.A brief flicker of surprise crossed his face before he laughed.

“Cute,” he said, lightly pushing her off.“But next time you do that, Rhodes, you’re dead. And not even Bellamy can save you.” He brushed himself off and looked her over again.“Get some sleep.”

He stalked down the hallway without giving Emma time to respond.She stared after him as he slipped into one of the rooms, closing the door behind him. She stood there for a second, her mind reeling in a thousand different directions. All she wanted was to follow after Murphy and give him a piece of her mind; but like with Bellamy, Emma knew all that would do was bring her and Murphy down a dangerous, slippery road. 

When she turned and walked away, it was almost as if she was fighting against a gravitational pull, bringing her back to him. It wasn’t until she made it back to her room that her muscles relaxed.The white noise in her head returned but she flopped on her bed, pulling her pillow out from under her head.

As if it was the most effective way to get rid of her demons.

She had no idea how she was going to survive the next five years. 

* * *

**the second time.  
** _[three months after Praimfaya]_

Everyone was forced to spend time together during meals, but Emma didn’t mind too much.

It was easy enough to avoid the others when she sat in her group with Bellamy, Raven, Monty, and Harper.Echo and Emori sat with Murphy; they didn’t say much of anything throughout the meal (if you could even call whatever algae Monty had grown a meal).The one unfortunate side effect was that Perri also sat next to Murphy, which meant Emma didn’t get to talk to her much. Not that Perri had much to say, either; but Emma knew she was reeling from everything that had happened on the ground, the same as everyone else.

She just missed her friend, the one who had kept her (mostly) sane in Mount Weather.

Something else Emma tried not to think about.

“Okay, so I think that’s everything,” Bellamy said, taking his last spoonful of algae.“Raven’ll keep working on the radio and Monty will keep--”

“--Growing disgusting food?” Murphy chimed in.

“Hey, at least we have food to eat,” Harper jumped in.She shot Monty a sympathetic look. “We’re doing our best with the farm.”

“It’s supposed to take, like, six months for everything to kick in,” Monty said. “I’m moving as fast as I can.”

“Yeah, but this still sucks,” Raven commented.She glanced over at him. “No offense.”

Monty raised his hands in surrender. 

“Alright, enough,” Bellamy said.He glanced over at Emma. “How’s the training room coming?”

On one of Emma’s countless midnight roams through the hall, she’d ended up asleep in what used to be the Council room. Murphy tried to claim it as a bedroom when they first arrived, but they’d all manage toagree that it should function as some kind of group meeting place instead.They already had a mess hall, and when Echo suggested the training area, Emma jumped to help her.

She didn’t particularly like Echo, but Emma needed a job.And the only other time her demons were quiet was when she’d been training as a guard at Arkadia.

Emma glanced over at Echo, who nodded.“It’s almost ready,” she said.“Echo and I were thinking about making a schedule of sorts, so everyone could learn to train.”

“Whoa, hold on,” Murphy said, leaning forward on the table. “Why does everyone need to learn?”

“What else are you doing, Murphy?” Raven asked from across the table. She glanced at Emori. “Wait, maybe I don’t want to know.”

Emori leaned closer to Murphy, but Emma rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she said. “If we ever get back to the ground, knowing how to defend ourselves is a good place to start.”

“To start another war we don’t want to be a part of,” Monty said.

“Look,” Emma said, leaning forward.She rested her forearms on the table.“We’ve all been through literal hell. Exercise is a good way to make good use of our time and deal with whatever battles our heads are fighting.”

“And what do you know, Dr. Rhodes?” Murphy asked, glancing over at her. “Haven’t you just been a victim in all this?”

“And what would you rather I be, Murphy? A murderer?”

“Alright, enough,” Bellamy said. “I’m sick of you two at each other’s throats.”

“Relax, Bellamy,” Murphy replied, glancing at him. “She knows it’s all fun and games, doesn’t she?”

“Always,” Emma said, rolling her eyes.“Anyway, as I was saying--”

“You know what else is a fun game we should play?” he asked, cutting in.

“John,” Perri replied, giving him a look.

“No, I’m just saying,” he said.“This is all about ‘_family bonding_’, right?”

“Emma was in the middle of talking about a training schedule,” Bellamy said, giving him a look. He glanced back over at her. “Ignore him.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Trust me, I’m trying,” she grumbled. “But I’m intrigued. What game should we play, Murphy?”

“It’s a little game called Never Have I Ever.”

Harper and Monty glanced at each other, but even from a distance, Emma could see the intrigue on Harper’s face.

“I’m listening, Murphy,” Harper said.

“Well, it’s usually better when it’s played with alcohol,” he continued, looking over at Perri.Without a word, she nodded and got up from the table, disappearing from the main mess hall.“Nothing brings people together like unwarranted bonding out of sheer boredom.” He focused on Emma. “Something you should know all about.”

“Because that was the only reason,” Emma muttered. She kept her gaze locked on Murphy even as it hardened into a glare.Bellamy glanced between them. Confusion was written across his face, but neither Emma nor Murphy elaborated.

“We don’t have a lot,” Perri announced. She seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. She glanced between Murphy and Emma before placing the bottle on the table. “But this should do the trick.”

“Where’d you find that?” Monty asked.

She shrugged as she started pouring it into their individual cups.“Does it matter?”

“Just curious,” he said. He shared a glance with Harper before taking his cup closer to him.“Okay, so how does this work?”

“Someone starts us off,” Perri said as she sat down.“You say something you’ve never done, and whoever _has_ done it gets to drink.”

“How do you win?” Emma asked, swishing the alcohol around in her cup.

“The last person standing wins. Basically the point is to get hammered,” Murphy replied.

“Alright, I’ll go first,” Monty said, surprising everyone.“So is it like… never have I ever threatened to kill someone in this room?”

Murphy rolled his eyes but took a drink.Echo, Bellamy, Emma, Emori, Raven, and Perri followed after him.Emma made a face at the taste but didn’t say anything. Getting hammered sounded exactly like what she needed right now.

“Yeah, something like that,” Murphy said.His eyes cut to Bellamy for a moment before turning his attention back to the group.“Never have I ever had a crush on Clarke.”

Tension heightened in the room. Raven shot him a warning look.Murphy kept his gaze on Bellamy while he took a long drink, and Emma hoped he didn’t notice as she took a quick drink. 

“Never have I ever fallen asleep in Earth skills,” Bellamy said, a clear attempt at lightening the mood.

Murphy and Monty both drank.

“What’s Earth skills?” Emori asked from her seat next to Murphy.

“It was a class we took on the Ark,” Monty replied. 

“They actually had a class on that?” Echo said, an actual smile playing at her lips. “Space babies.”

“Hey, it helped us a couple times,” Emma argued.“Except for trying to identify different kinds of nuts.”

“It’s not our fault the rations went bad,” Harper said, and everyone but Echo and Emori laughed. 

Some of the tension seemed to have left the room from some of Murphy’s earlier remarks.From there, they traded easier questions: there was the time Monty (and Jasper) smoked in front of Jaha’s office, and when Emma and Harper snuck into the mess hall after hours.

Despite the fact that they didn’t grow up on the Ark, Echo and Emoriwere interested to hear about the group’s adventures when it wasn't riddled with tragedy.

Murphy and Perri, on the other hand, were quiet. They laughed with everyone, but from the brief stories Emma heard, their life on the Ark was different.If Emma was honest, it was a miracle any of them found things to laugh about. And as the drinks got lower, Perri filled them up, and it was easy to forget everything they’d been through.

Even Emma and Murphy.

Raven finished up her drink as some of the laughter died down.“Okay, okay, I’ve got one.Never have I ever kissed Murphy.” She glanced to Perri as she said it, her lips twitching into a smile.

Murphy smirked. “I’m flattered, Reyes.”

Emori drank, followed by Perri and a reluctant Emma.She caught Bellamy staring at her but she was glad he didn’t seem to have anything to say.

“My turn,” Perri announced, leaning back against her chair.“Never have I ever fallen out of a tree while high.”

Emma and Monty took a drink, and Emma was thankful Perri left out about the part when she twisted her ankle. Her cheeks started to warm and she could feel the alcohol start to rush to her head. She frowned when she noticed her cup getting low, but even the bottle was empty.

“Okay, I’ve got a good one,” Emma replied.“Never have I ever pretended to give a fuck when I didn’t.”

She looked right at Murphy as she said it.He met her gaze and raised his glass to his lips. Echo and Raven drank with him but they seemed oblivious to the underlying tension.

“Mine’s better, Rhodes,” he said.“Never have I ever used someone specifically to get over someone else.”

Emma’s cheeks flushed. She knew it wasn’t only from the alcohol as she refused to look at Bellamy while she took a drink.Raven drank too.

“Okay, kids, I’m out too,” she said, joining Perri, Emori, Echo, Bellamy, Harper, and Monty. 

Even though her head buzzed, Emma zeroed in on Murphy. Their relationship was complicated at best, but ever since Becca’s lab, Emma hated the fact that Murphy was still with Emori. Which was why when the next words flew out of her mouth, she wouldn’t regret them until later.

“Never have I ever been so desperate to feel something that I settled for a relationship I’m not really happy in.”

Murphy’s eyes cut into a glare but he didn’t drink.“Are you sure that doesn’t apply to you, Rhodes?” he asked, his eyes drifting over toward Bellamy.

“Okay, how about this,” she tried. “Never have I ever known someone was toxic for me, but I stayed with them because I convinced myself I could change them.”

“Alright, Emma, enough,” Emori cut in. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m not trying to change anyone,” Murphy replied. “I happen to love Emori.”

“Well, congrats,” she said.“If only we could all be so lucky.”

“Look, it’s not my fault you fell in love with someone who loves someone else,” Murphy said.“You might want to do us a favor and get over it.Make the next five years more bearable for us all.”

“Murphy--” Bellamy started, a warning clear in his voice.

“It’s fine, Bellamy,” she said.Tears burned behind her eyes, but Emma attributed them to the alcohol and not what to what Murphy said.“Maybe I should’ve gone through with my original plan. Then none of you would have to deal with me for the next five years.Make it all a little more bearable.”

“Emma--” Raven started.

Murphy looked right at her.Something shifted in his gaze but for a second, she saw a hint of the warmth she used to see.“Maybe you should’ve.”

“I swear to god, Murphy--”

“It’s _fine_, Bellamy,” Emma repeated, looking over at him.“I should’ve.” 

Without waiting for a response, she left the mess hall, the tears blurring her vision.Her chest tightened and she punched the nearest wall. There was a _crack_ and she swore under her breath, flexing out her fingers. Murphy’s voice mixed in with the loud thoughts in her head.Emma tried to focus on her breathing, gripping onto the wall.

She wasn’t alone for long.The door to her room opened and her heart caught in her throat.She’d half hoped it would be Murphy coming to apologize, but in reality, she should’ve known it would be Bellamy.Emma didn’t bother to hide her tears as he walked closer to her and gathered her in his arms.

“What, you didn’t kill him?” Emma joked.

“No, but I punched him pretty good.”

Emma gave him a watery smile.Before she realized what was happening, their lips crashed together in a heated kiss.Hands went everywhere at once, shirts and jackets coming off and landing on the floor. 

Everything that happened next was a drunken haze of familiarity.

All she wanted to do was force the demons to crawl back into the corner of her mind. And as it had after Mount Weather, the noise quieted and her demons shut themselves away as Emma fell into him.

And as he had after Mount Weather, Bellamy caught her once again.

* * *

**the third time.  
** _[six months after Praimfaya]_

The last six months did at least one thing for the group of nine survivors: it brought them closer together.Particularly Emma and Bellamy.

After that first night, Emma remembered how comforting it was to throw herself in him.She knew there’d been a reason it worked so well after Mount Weather: all she let herself think about was Bellamy.His hands, his eyes, his hair, his lips, his…

It seemed that he needed her as much as she needed him.They spent almost all their evenings together, allowing Emma to sleep for more than a few hours at a time.

When they weren’t together, she was in the training room and he was in the control room, or checking on Monty and Harper. Emma even saw Bellamy try to get more than a few words out of Echo, but she seemed reluctant to share anything too personal.That was fine with Emma, especially since Echo was the best sparring partner she’d ever had. It was easier to try and kick her ass when Emma wasn’t distracted trying to figure her out.

Murphy, for his part, kept his distance.Aside from a snide comment or two, they were perfectly happy pretending the other didn’t exist.And as long as Emma didn’t think about what they could have been, it didn’t hurt the way everything else did. Bellamy helped with that, too.

After another grueling training session with Echo, Emma found her way back to Bellamy’s room.As always, he’d been more than happy to see her, but when it was over, Emma didn’t linger like usual. She still had a restless energy, so she sat up and searched for her clothes.

Bellamy touched her arm, trying to pull her back down.“You don’t have to go,” he whispered.“It’s still early, I think.”

Emma tried to smile.She glanced over her shoulder at him and kissed him gently.“I know.But you know what today is, don’t you?”

He frowned.“I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

“Me too,” she replied, her voice soft.“But it seems like a disservice to them, doesn’t it?”

Bellamy’s face darkened.“Emma--”

“You ever realize we don’t talk about it?” she asked, continuing her search for clothes.“Not even Monty or Harper. Like we’ve all accepted that this is our life now.Like we didn’t lose--”

“Everyone we ever cared about?”

Her shoulders sagged as she found her shirt.She threw it on,followed by her underwear and her pants.“I know you miss her.”

“Of course I do. But dwelling on it isn’t going to bring them back.”

Emma ran her hands through her hair.She started braiding it off to the side, aware of how close Bellamy sat behind her.His fingers gently traced Emma’s skin but not even his warmth could stop her. The noise in her mind was loud tonight; louder than it had been in a while.She knew that in itself was a reason to crawl back into bed with Bellamy, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it now.

“Emma,” Bellamy started, his voice tender.It was the voice, Emma realized, he used to try and coax her back into bed with him.Under normal circumstances, it would’ve worked.

But today wasn’t normal circumstances.Today, six months ago, Praimfaya wiped out Earth, and all the noise and all her demons wrestled inside her.

Sheturned to look at him.Her face softened as she noticed the bags under his eyes, his disheveled hair.Emma reached out and caressed his cheek.

“Stay,” he pleaded. “All you have to do is stay. We can forget about--”

Emma tensed as her hand dropped from his cheek. “I don’t want to forget.Not tonight.”

“I don’t think you should be alone tonight. Please, Emma.”

“So you don’t agree with him,” Emma whispered, not meeting his gaze.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Murphy,” she said, bending down and tying her shoes.“That I should’ve--”

“Emma,” he said firmly.He took her cheek in his hand, gently moving it so she had to look at him. “Of course not. I try and make it a point not to listen to Murphy.”

“Mhm.”

“Hey, I’m glad you’re here,” he continued.“You make being up here a little more bearable.”

“Well, as long as it’s bearable,” she teased.She pressed her forehead against his.“But I can’t stay. I need to take a walk before I explode.”

“Okay. I’m coming with you,” he said, starting to stand up.

“Bellamy,” she said, any lightness from earlier gone.She put her hand firmly on his shoulder and pushed him back down onto the bed.“I’ll come back, okay?”

“If you don’t--”

“Hey,” she said, this time moving her hand to his cheek.A storm spiraled in his eyes and her heart ached for him.“I won’t leave you.”

It wasn’t until he nodded that Emma got out of bed.She looked back at him one more time before adjusting her shirt.Without another word, she left Bellamy’s room.

The sounds of the ship seemed muffled again.Emma tried to push out thoughts of what happened six months ago, of leaving her family behind.The family she’d only just started to get to know and even _like_.But even that hadn’t been enough.

Not her father; the man she’d grown up hating and not knowing who he was until she was saved from Mount Weather.Not even her brother; her other half, her twin. The piece of her life she’d always felt like was missing but didn’t know about until Earth.

None of it had been enough. 

Emma’s stomach twisted.She thought again of Jasper, of the moment she’d witnessed that wasn’t hers.When she closed her eyes, she could still see him leaning by the window, Monty clutching his best friend.

Their best friend.

Emma leaned against the window.Sweat poured down her face and she tried her best to wipe it with the back of her hand.The walls closed in around her.She crouched to her knees, resting her head in her hands. She tried to focus on a spot on the floor but her vision blurred. 

“We’ve got to stop meeting like--” A voice crashed through the voices in her head but she couldn’t focus.She clutched her hands onto the side of her head.“--Rhodes?”

Something cool brushed against her skin and she jumped.Emma looked up and she could’ve sworn she saw a blurry figure standing in front of her. 

“Rhodes, can you hear me?” She didn’t respond, her mind dragging her back and forth from the ship and back to Arkadia.A movie playing her worst memories. “Rhodes.”

She tried to focus on her breathing. On counting back from ten, to nine, to eight. All the different techniques Bellamy used to help her over the years, but right now she was missing an important factor: his voice.

“You’re safe,” he said.He sounded distant and she tried to focus. It wasn’t Bellamy, but at least it was something she could hold onto.

Seven.Six.Five.

“I’m here,” said the voice.“You’re okay.”

Four.Three.Two--

“Murphy?” she managed.

“Unfortunately.”

Her lips twitched into a brief, small smile.“Thanks.”

“I’m not sure what I did.”

“Don’t ruin it by being an ass,” she said.She shakily stood up and he automatically reached out.She gripped onto his arm as she felt her breathing return to normal.

“You good?” he asked, still lightly touching her arm.

Emma pressed her lips into a thin smile, but she couldn’t answer him.Somehow it felt different than lying to Bellamy and she wasn’t sure why. For half a second, she saw a glimpse of the bored boy who found her during one of Bellamy’s passionate speeches after they first landed on the ground. 

He’d been the one who saw her first.Even when she hated Bellamy.

“Rhodes, you good?” he repeated.

Emma blinked.She reached out and grabbed his arm, telling herself it was to steady herself.Murphy didn’t move except for arching a brow. 

“I’ll be fine,” she said.

“Mhm,” Murphy replied.“Come on, let’s get some water.”

“You don’t need to babysit me--”

“I’m not,” he said easily. “But I walked in on you having a panic attack.You need some water.”

For once, Emma nodded silently.She followed after him and they went into the mess hall.She knew she should’ve been surprised to see Perri there, but she wasn’t.As Emma and Murphy walked over to the table, his hand lingered on the small of her back.She told herself it was to lead her over but she couldn’t deny the rush of heat that came with it.

“Sit,” Murphy said, indicating the spot next to Perri.

Emma nodded and sat down.His fingers brushed against her spine but she didn’t look at him as he disappeared to get her some water. 

“Hey,” Emma said quietly, kicking Perri under the table. “Can’t sleep?”

“You know what today is, don’t you?”

“Kinda hard to forget.”

Murphy came back over.He set the water down on the table in front of her before sitting down between Emma and Perri.Emma dropped her forehead onto his shoulder. 

No one said anything. Instead they sat in silence, the weight of the destroyed planet sitting between them.The ghosts of their best friends dancing in the shadows, dragging the three of them further into darkness.

Making it impossible to let go.

* * *

**the fourth time.  
** _[nine months after Praimfaya]_

After almost a year, the Ring started to feel like home.

Emma got used to the sounds of the ship again, surprised she’d even forgotten what they sounded like after only being on Earth for a few months. Everyone was still in their separated groups (Bellamy, Raven, Emma, Monty, Harper; Murphy, Perri, Echo, Emori) but the distance between Emma and Murphy seemed to have faded a little after he’d caught her mid-panic attack. At least enough to remind her that he was still a human, too. If she were lucky, she even saw glimpses of the boy she knew very briefly on the ground.

At least before everything went to hell.

Meals were more comfortable after playing “Never Have I Ever”.Perri even found a deck of cards in one of the rooms, and they’d spent many nights together, playing whatever games they could think of.Emma wasn’t sure how Perri kept finding all of these things, but they were a welcome distraction.

Everything was going as smoothly as it could; except for the fact that they still hadn’t made contact with the bunker.Emma knew that was keeping Bellamy awake at night, no matter how much she tried to help him fall asleep. Not that she was doing much sleeping, either; it came in uncomfortable bursts of three or four hours a night, but if she pushed herself hard in the training room, sleep came a little easier.

The only thing that really changed was Murphy and Emori.Emma wasn’t sure why, exactly, but she heard them arguing more often than not as the days dragged by.She tried not to let herself get distracted by it, but curiosity always got the best of her. Especially when the arguing got bad enough that Murphy isolated himself from any sort of group activity, instead camping out by the large window during most meals so he wouldn’t have to sit with her. Perri was the only one who would occasionally sit with him or bring him his serving of algae without protest.

And every time Emma considered reaching out to him, she heard his voice in her head.Even after he helped her through the panic attack and even though she saw glimpses of the boy from the tent. _Maybe you should¡¦ve_.

One meal was particularly tense.Emma could’ve sworn she heard rumors about Emori moving out of Murphy’s room and crashing with Raven, but she didn’t know what the fight was about.That seemed to be their way: everyone knew things weren’t good but no one seemed to know why. If Perri knew anything, she wasn’t about to give out answers, and Emori sure as hell wasn’t talking.Deep down, Emma knew she shouldn’t care, but there was a small part of her that was too curious to not find out.

Plus, living up here with them at odds for the next five years would be unbearable.

So that was why, when they all sat down to eat, Emma was the one who stood up.“I’ll get Murphy,” she said, surprising everyone.

“You don’t have to,” Perri replied.“I can go.”

“No, it’s fine,” Emma assured her.She glanced over at Bellamy before grabbing a serving of algae. Concern spread across his face but she put his hand on his shoulder and didn’t say anything.

Emma walked out of the dining area and down to the window, where she knew he camped out.And sure enough, there he was, sulking with his back to her.She didn’t say anything at first; she just set the bowl down a few feet away from him.She crossed her arms, studying his hunched shoulders.

“You know, we’re all gonna have to live with each other,” she said.“I’m not saying you have to work it out or anything, but this sulking shit you’re doing? Kinda pathetic, if you ask me.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t, then.”

Emma rolled her eyes.“Come on, Murphy. What’d she do that was so bad she’s sleeping in Raven’s room?”

“Why do you always assume it’s her fault?” he asked.

“She’s the one who made the scene,” Emma said with a shrug. “She tends to do that, y’know.”

“Why do you even care?” Murphy snapped.“Aren’t you still fucking Bellamy?”

Emma shifted on her feet. “That has nothing to do with this.”

“Or it has everything,” he said.“Did you come here to gloat? That you finally got what you wanted?”

“You don’t know anything about what I want,” Emma said, an edge of defense to her voice.

Murphy finally turned to look at her.He stood up, his eyes doing his infamous once over before he leaned against the window.“I think I have an idea.”

“And what’s that, exactly?” she asked, subconsciously stepping forward.

“You always want what you can’t have, Rhodes,” he replied.“You don’t know how to let shit go.”

“You think you’re an expert on that?”

“I know a thing or two,” Murphy said.“Thanks for the food.”

Emma nodded.She shifted on her feet, hesitating as if she wanted to say more.There was a part of her that wanted to beat the shit out of him for what he’d said all those months ago, but there was another part of her that still wanted to throw her arms around him.

“Did you want something else, Rhodes?”

She tugged at the fabric of her shirt.“No.”

Murphy arched a brow.“Were you told to sit here and watch me eat?”

“No.”

“You’re sure about that?”

Emma shot him an exasperated look but couldn’t think of a response that would satisfy him.“You should think about coming back to the group,” she said, already moving back to the door.“Because if I don’t know how to let shit go, then _you_ definitely don’t know how to accept when people care about you.”

“Are you saying you care, Rhodes?” he asked, amusement laced in his voice.

She glanced over to the dining area. From here, she could see Perri and Emori sitting together, quiet as ever as they sipped on their algae. Harper was talking but Emma couldn’t understand what she was saying.

“All I’m saying is that, for one reason or another, people do,” Emma said, dodging the question.“It’ll be a lot easier if you learn how to accept it because we’re gonna get real tired of bringing you food three times a day because you can’t suck it up.”

Before Murphy had the chance to respond, Emma slipped out and back to the dining area.She sat down as everyone laughed over something Harper said. Emma caught Bellamy’s gaze. She shrugged and took another bite, her mind wandering back to the boy by the window.  
  


*** 

  
Sometime later, Emma sat by the window.Her makeshift sketchbook sat in her lap, which was really just piles of looseleaf paper that Perri found in one of the rooms.Bellamy was busy in the control room; Monty and Harper had locked themselves up for the night, and everyone else was doing something on their own.

She’d thought about going to the training room.Whenever she felt this foggy, restless energy, working out always put the monsters back in their cages.Well, almost always.Tonight seemed to be a different story, so she’d found enough alcohol to numb the darkness roaring inside of her.She still wasn’t sure, exactly, what caused it, but it was like that sometimes.Sometimes there didn’t need to be a cause; it was just _there_.

That was why she and Jasper got so close after Mount Weather.If anyone understood this particular kind of darkness, it was him, even if hers stemmed from more than someone dying.If Emma were being honest, the darkness had really been with her since Kane threw her into the Sky Box like she was a ragdoll, not like she was his daughter.Not that either of them knew _that_ at the time, of course.

Emma took another sip from the bottle.She glanced down at the page she was working on, managing a small smile when the familiar face of Jasper Jordan came smiling back at her.This was how she liked to remember him: with his goggles on the top of his head, laughing at a ridiculous joke Monty shared, and coming up with the latest scheme they could all get into.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” she whispered. A few tears splattered the page but she didn’t do anything about them. No one was around to see it, anyway.“I’m so sorry.”

After a few seconds, the sobs came after the few drops. She didn’t bother to be quiet as she curled herself up in a ball, hugging herself as tight as she could.

She didn’t know how long she lay there, crying in front of the window, but eventually the sobs stopped.Emma wiped at the tears with the back of her hand, suddenly remembering her conversation with Murphy earlier in the evening.

Maybe he was right.Maybe she really _didn¡¦t_ know how to let shit go.Maybe the darkness would drag her down as she tried to hold onto the person she used to be.

And maybe, just maybe, there was a part of her that didn’t want to let go.That would rather drown in darkness than let go of the people she once loved, even if it meant losing herself.

Maybe not even Bellamy could save her from that. Maybe she didn’t want him to.

* * *

**and the fifth.  
** _[one year after Praimfaya]_

Everything was loud; the sounds of the ship, the white noise, the demons that were crawling out of the corners of her mind. No matter what she did, Emma couldn’t make it stop.All she wanted was quiet, was peace, a place to hear herself _think_.

It should’ve been her. It should’ve been her, it should’ve been her.

Not Jasper. Not him, even if it was his choice. Instead of helping him, like a real friend would, she empathized with him. She promised they’d go out _together_. She didn’t do what Monty or Bellamy would’ve done.What she did was so much worse. She even managed to convince Harper to go with them, to turn her back on Monty, when all Emma had been doing was reciting what her own demons were trying to tell her.

She hadn’t deserved to be saved, to be up in space with the rest of them.She didn’t deserve a second chance, not with the dark fog that clouded her brain. Some days were better than others, but as the year anniversary of Praimfaya crept closer, Emma found herself more isolated than when they’d landed on the ground.

Her dad hadn’t wanted her.Her brother hadn’t cared enough to get to know her after he found out she existed. Murphy chose a liar and a thief over her, chose someone who would manipulate anyone to save her own skin. Bellamy chose a ghost of a girl who never even loved him over her because she, Emma, was never enough.

_Never enough, never enough, never enough_.

Not strong enough to escape the guards from Mount Weather.Not a skilled enough fighter break free of the scientists who tortured her or her friends. Not convincing enough to stop Bellamy from siding with Pike to massacre over 300 grounders. Not brave enough to risk her life to climb a satellite tower to redeem herself.

_Not enough, not enough, not enough_.

She needed it to stop. The pain, her darkness, the demons, her numbness. She’d blindly found her way to the bathroom, not even registering what had triggered this or where everyone else was. All she knew was that she needed to get out, to put an end to this, make it _stop_.

_Never enough, not you, never enough_.

A scream startled her and it took half a second for it to click that it’d come from her.Emma put her hands on the sink and looked at herself in the mirror.Her pale, ghost-white skin, her red eyes, her messy, dark brown hair. She was practically a ghost now, floating through the hallways when everyone else was asleep.

She might as well make it official.

Another scream and she struck out, punching the mirror.Glass shattered and fell to the floor. It nicked her arms, joining marks that had already been there and bruises from getting beaten up in the training room. She didn’t even notice the blood on her wrist, the bright red pool that started to spill over. She’d been careful so many times before but now she couldn’t be, now she didn’t want to be.

Her breath caught as she picked up one of the broken pieces on the floor.Her hands shook as she leaned against the wall, her head tilted back as she moved the piece of glass to her skin.

She’d just barely scratched the surface when--

“You might want to rethink that.”

“Get out of here, Murphy,” she snapped. She didn’t have to turn around to know it was him; of _course_ it was him.It always was.

“You really think I’m going to let you do all this without me?” he asked.His voice was its usual calm, almost bored tone.But there was something deeper there, almost fear if she cared to listen hard enough. “Come on, you should know me better by now.”

“I do,” Emma said, still keeping the glass where it was. “And if I snap at you enough you’re going to leave like everyone else.”

“You think?” he asked.She heard him take a step closer, his feet heavy against the floor of the bathroom. “Is that what you want? Because I don’t think it is.”

“What makes you think you have any idea what I want?” she asked, not unaware that she’d asked this same question months ago when he’d been the one to isolate himself.

“Well, if you really wanted to end it, there are a few ways that are a bit more effective than what you’re doing now,” he said.A beat of silence passed but he kept his gaze trained on hers. “Put the glass down, Emma.”

She froze.She looked up enough to see his reflection in the shattered mirror, concern flickering in his eyes and a small hint of panic on his face.“What’d you call me?”

“Emma,” he repeated, taking another tentative step closer.“That’s your name, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but--” she started, her throat catching.“You never--”

“There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there?” he asked.

Before she realized what was happening, Murphy’s hand was on her shoulder.His grip was firm but gentle as his hand slid down her arm, his eyes watching her face in the broken mirror as he reached her hand.With a bit of effort he was able to take the glass shard out of her hand, throwing it across the room.He took another step closer until he was behind her, his chin hovering above her shoulder.

“There are more firsts, Emma, but you gotta live long enough to experience them.”

Emma looked back at him through the cracked glass.His hand lingered on her arm but neither of them made a move to pull away.She looked at her reflection again and it wasn’t until then that she noticed the tears that were flowing down her cheeks. A sob escaped her lips and Murphy’s grip on her arm tightened.

“I can’t,” she whispered, breaking the eye contact with the mirror.“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” he said, his voice a little more confident.His thumb ran against her arm and even now, even when she felt nothing but a pit of emptiness in her stomach, a flash of heat, of life ran through her. “I can help you.”

Emma shook her head, the tears falling faster.“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not,” he said.“I’m offering.”

“No,” she said again, trying to reach for the glass he’d thrown.Another sob escaped her lips and he tightened his grip on her. “No, no.”

Murphy pulled her back into him, wrapping his arms around her.The small pool of blood that had formed soaked onto his sleeve but he only tightened his grip. Emma buried her face in his chest as she sobbed, tears spilling onto his shirt.

“I’m not worth it, I can’t,” she whispered hoarsely. “You can’t--”

“I can,” he said, running his hands over her back.He rested his chin on her shoulder, his cheek pressed against hers.“I will.”

“John,” she managed, pressing her face into his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Emma,” he replied.“It’s okay.”

“Oh, god,” she said, panic catching in her voice. Her hands shook against his grip and he held onto her, clear he wasn’t letting go. “Oh, god, what have I done?”

For a while, neither of them said anything.Emma wasn’t sure how long they stood there, her sobbing into his shoulder and him just holding her, his hands moving back and forth in a rhythmic motion. They could’ve been there for minutes, for hours, even for days -- time seemed to stop as they stood there amidst the broken glass on the bathroom floor.

Eventually the tears slowed and exhaustion crept in.Emma pulled away, looking up into the face of the man who kept surprising her: John Murphy.

“Why?” she finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Why what?” he asked, his own not much louder.He reached up, cupping her cheek in his hand. His thumb ran across her cheekbone and for a moment, everything was still.

Quiet.Peaceful.

Even the demons in her head were silent, like they had been when they first landed on the ground and she’d followed him back to his tent.

“Why is it you?” she asked. She could get lost in those piercing blue eyes of his, even though they seemed to get duller over the last few months they’d been in space. “Why is it always you?”

Murphy gave her a small, sad smile.“Why do you think?”

Emma clutched onto the side of his shirt, her hands gripping the fabric tightly.For half a heartbeat, her eyes drifted down to his lips but she forced them back up.His thumb never moved from her cheek and he tilted her chin up very slightly. She could’ve sworn his own eyes drifted down and her heart stopped, anticipation building in her chest.

She liked this quiet.Even if it was created out of chaos from the shards of glass at her feet.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“Everything,” she said. “The day we landed on the ground, the fight after you came back, what happened in Becca’s lab, all the shit I’ve said and all the fucked up things I’ve done--”

“Hey,” he said, his voice surprising light. “You’re talking to the king of fucked up things. I think you’re good.”

“John, I’m serious.”

“So am I,” he replied.He cupped both of her cheeks in his hands, gently forcing her to look at him.She swallowed, some of the anticipation still sitting in her chest.“We’re good, Emma.”

“But this--this is too much, I can’t--”

“We’re good, Emma,” he repeated, his thumb running along her cheekbone again.

“How can you--?”

“I can’t give away all my secrets now, can I?”

The corners of her mouth twitched. “You can’t ever give a straight answer, can you?”

He smiled at her. It was a rare sight, seeing anyone--let alone John Murphy--smile these days, but there was something about it that warmed her chest.

“You should know me better by now, Rhodes.”

“What was I thinking?” she asked. Even if it was an attempt at a joke, her voice still sounded wooden, hollow.Not quite real. 

But this was real.This was her reality; the broken glass on the bathroom floor, the small bit of blood still running down her wrist.Her reality was this guy standing in front of her, the one who always said the right thing without saying the right thing. 

He managed to silence her demons and push the darkness away, lighting just the smallest bit of hope in her chest.Hope that hadn’t been there since they first landed on the ground.And he was the one who had seen her then, and seen her now, when she thought she lost everything. 

Emma just needed to figure out a way to crawl out of this darkness and be someone worth saving.Even if she saved herself.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” he said.He tugged on her hand, his thumb pressing against the small nick she’d manage to make.Keeping it in.

Keeping her in, holding her steady.

She glanced back over at Murphy as he led her out of the bathroom.On second thought, maybe she could use a little help.

Maybe he really was her gravity: pulling her back, keeping her centered. Not letting her make any stupid, reckless decisions.And even if they didn’t have all the answers, maybe that could be enough.

At least to see a light in the darkness.

At least for her to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Special shoutout to clevernotbrilliant for allowing me to borrow her OC, Perri Laughlin ♥


End file.
